Drafted atop grandpa’s grave on March 7th.
Dear mama,
Happy Birthday, sorry I’m 2 days late, we’ve planned of coming over yesterday but had take a different route to stop someone from joining you here.
I have lots of stories and thoughts about yesterday, I can hardly think. I don’t know where to start. If I should start with how it began or tell you how it ended or everything in between.
It started with a demented text message from the dimwitted lady which your clueless grand daughter initially ignored, but later on gave in and responded to what exploded as the text war of the century at least from my point of view. We've always known how she loves to pick senseless fights, it's her way to tell herself she's a little brave. These mobile things is a little shroud of evil, it was blown out of proportion dragging everyone to the mud. In the course of their text war, warheads hit old grudges and hatchets and stuff that never should have come about. It pissed me so much coz the sinister woman hit the wrong note and tarnished your memory. I felt attacked and had to pounce. I called your clueless granddaughter to quit it but she just wouldn't.
The next thing i know was my head was exploding, i sent your naive grandson a message to stop it. it wasn't my finest hour. I don't usually meddle with things like this, i just badly wanted the non-sense to stop.
My phone beeped and I froze a little, read it to Ate before she ran out and panicked and then we we're running against time. I sent some encouraging messages, attempted a call then I went outside to light a cigarette. I couldn’t get him on the phone and this time, I needed to calm myself down. I stormed towards the room, I grabbed the Bacardi and some liqueur, fixed myself a drink. I took a leak and decided to make a run for it. I knew I couldn’t do anything sitting down and getting myself drunk while trying to calm down. What are we suppose to do right? Wait for the hour to find out it’s over? Looking back now, I should’ve run to the door and into the cab that instant. Sorry, I must’ve blacked out and lapsed judgement.
430pm, we’re not even halfway to where he is, I know in my heart we’ll be there and get to him in time. We weren’t talking the whole way through. I had thoughts and paranoia going in and out of my head as we make our way to him. I’ve played scenarios where it didn’t end well, I made mental notes of what I might do if everything goes south.
Right there, I wore the mask of bravery and calmness. I found it hard to keep a straight face and not break down, but I had to. I break down, everyone will and then we're doomed.
Yet at the back of my head, I’m thinking he couldn’t do it, he wouldn’t, but what if he lashes out and does it. But frankly, when I got to him, he had it on the wrong spot, it would have been a fluke. I really think he waited till we we’re there before he gives an open period so we can push the door. He didn’t wait for us to witness it, he waited for us to put a stop to it. By that, he is assured that rough as everything might be, we’re there for him, Always.
What would’ve happened if we opted to let the universe right itself, if we stayed and waited? I probably would have slapped myself and hit my head against the wall. I don’t even wanna think about it.
I’d like to think that he was making a statement, he was sending her a message and really needs her to sink her teeth into it. It was in his mind the only way he could show her off and put the message across. He’s been suppressing his thoughts and feelings for so long and couldn’t take it anymore. Everywhere he turns, she’d be on the lookout. Everyone he holds dear, she holds out.
When i look back now, i must have pulled the trigger that had him lashing out. I never should have sent that text. I admit, i'm not a fan of his ways, of his decisions, of his choices, of his ideals. I even put him at back burner and dubbed him as my former brother. Sure, we spent lots and lots of time together while I was growing up. I believed in him, learned his ways, took on his thoughts. We've grown apart and he only grew up when he needed to stand up for himself while I struggled to fight for my independence.
Through that departure, he still chose to send me that fateful message. I keep wondering if he knew in his heart that i'll run toward him, that i knew better to do and respond the way he imagined. I never wanna find out so i guess i'll never know.
We left when the tension has waned and some light has been shed. But I don't trust the sinister, she is ruled by fear and the lies your daughter-in-law fed her with.
This has so far been my recollection sans the comedy of errors that happened in between and during the aftermath that somehow lead me shopping as therapy to keep the events of one gloomy Sunday over my head.
Praying for your peaceful rest and guiding light. I miss you more than words can say.
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