Death:the final calling

Everywhere I look, there are lives cut short, lives lived in pain ended, lives well-lived taken. 

After hanging on to live each day with a fight, cancer had its way. Tita Rosalie was freed from the aches and sorrows of the world. Thank you for the big smile you always greeted me with, for looking after me and cooking my favorites whenever i stay over for the summer 2 decades or do ago, at that time of my parents' loss, you were there.

I have said goodbye to two friends whom i shared the dancefloor with, their funerals might as well be the quietest party ive ever been to. I couldn't take a step to see Laica lifeless and forever still through the looking glass, i wouldn't have dared to look at Micah had we known of his passing before it was all over Facebook. They'll be alive in my memory, and in the darkness that shroud the smoky room and laser beams cutting through the dark, i'll find them dancing to the beat of the underground. 

The family lost one matriarch, she lived her life well with the love that anyone can only dream of. She sufferred a great loss and suddenly she's gone away with him, in His time. I didnt know her too well, but im grateful that after so many years of feeling alienated from that side of the clan, she pulled us in and filled an inexplicable void. Going up for weekends with you to Laguna, Batangas and Baguio is a memory i'll take with me always, tita Sylvia.

And just a level down from the chapel where she lay, lies Kenneth, beloved stepson to my brother, he was 19 when the bells of heaven rang. I remember him walking around clutching Blues clues and Winnie the Pooh at age 5, now he's gone.

Elsewhere, news of an old friend's passing came up. All i could dial up in my head was the many long beer sessions back home; jokes, duty stories, throwing up, passing out and hearing the whole screenplay of Casper that he had memorized out of his love for Christina Ricci. Kampai Vince!

For weeks, my facebook timeline was filled status updates of getting better, going stronger, hopeful recovery, hospital discharge; light has come through, Gebee is home. Tonight, he followed the light, reached his hands out to heaven and joined his creator. Afternoon playtime was never complete without coming to see the cutest toddler in the hood, now he's 23 and forever will be. 

They've seen better days, bid goodbye to sorrow and the mundane troubles of the world. And if life means enduring the pain, maybe this earth is not a place to hold on to, letting go can be painful as it is easy. Tears will shed and acceptance will be hard, but, death cannot be denied. She will come when the time is right and open the door to lead us to escape our misery. If death is beautiful and free, why must we refuse it. 

Kablag!

Hello blogspot! It looks like we're back on, thanks to this new baby, I'm gonna write on you again.

Damn you x10

But Hello again blogspot! I can blog from here again; it took me months before realizing i should check out the preferences menu. X10 should haave told me!

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New kid on the job

I havent completed 2 full days at work yet I have attended 3 client meetings,have 4 deadlines and one activation project already in sight. What is life!

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Gloomy Sunday to Rainy Monday...Part 3

Drafted atop grandpa’s grave on March 7^th.

Dear mama, 

Happy Birthday, sorry I’m 2 days late,  we’ve planned of coming over yesterday but had take a different route to stop someone from joining you here.

I have lots of stories and thoughts about yesterday, I can hardly think. I don’t know where to start. If I should start with how it began or tell you how it ended or everything in between.

It started with a demented text message from the dimwitted lady which your clueless grand daughter initially ignored, but later on gave in and responded to what exploded as the text war of the century at least from my point of view. We've always known how she loves to pick senseless fights, it's her way to tell herself she's a little brave. These mobile things is a little shroud of evil, it was blown out of proportion dragging everyone to the mud. In the course of their text war, warheads hit old grudges and hatchets and stuff that never should have come about. It pissed me so much coz the sinister woman hit the wrong note and tarnished your memory. I felt attacked and had to pounce. I called your clueless granddaughter to quit it but she just wouldn't. 

The next thing i know was my head was exploding, i sent your naive grandson a message to stop it. it wasn't my finest hour. I don't usually meddle with things like this, i just badly wanted the non-sense to stop.

My phone beeped and I froze a little, read it to Ate before she ran out and panicked and then we we're running against time. I sent some encouraging messages, attempted a call then I went outside to light a cigarette. I couldn’t get him on the phone and this time, I needed to calm myself down. I stormed towards the room, I grabbed the Bacardi and some liqueur, fixed myself a drink. I took a leak and decided to make a run for it. I knew I couldn’t do anything sitting down and getting myself drunk while trying to calm down. What are we suppose to do right? Wait for the hour to find out it’s over? Looking back now, I should’ve run to the door and into the cab that instant. Sorry, I must’ve blacked out and lapsed judgement.

430pm, we’re not even halfway to where he is, I know in my heart we’ll be there and get to him in time. We weren’t talking the whole way through. I had thoughts and paranoia going in and out of my head as we make our way to him. I’ve played scenarios where it didn’t end well, I made mental notes of what I might do if everything goes south.

Right there, I wore the mask of bravery and calmness. I found it hard to keep a straight face and not break down, but I had to. I break down, everyone will and then we're doomed. 

Yet at the back of my head, I’m thinking he couldn’t do it, he wouldn’t, but what if he lashes out and does it. But frankly, when I got to him, he had it on the wrong spot, it would have been a fluke. I really think he waited till we we’re there before he gives an open period so we can push the door. He didn’t wait for us to witness it, he waited for us to put a stop to it. By that, he is assured that rough as everything might be, we’re there for him, Always.

What would’ve happened if we opted to let the universe right itself, if we stayed and waited? I probably would have slapped myself and hit my head against the wall. I don’t even wanna think about it.

I’d like to think that he was making a statement, he was sending her a message and really needs her to sink her teeth into it. It was in his mind the only way he could show her off and put the message across. He’s been suppressing his thoughts and feelings for so long and couldn’t take it anymore. Everywhere he turns, she’d be on the lookout. Everyone he holds dear, she holds out. 

When i look back now, i must have pulled the trigger that had him lashing out. I never should have sent that text. I admit, i'm not a fan of his ways, of his decisions, of his choices, of his ideals. I even put him at back burner and dubbed him as my former brother. Sure, we spent lots and lots of time together while I was growing up. I believed in him, learned his ways, took on his thoughts. We've grown apart and he only grew up when he needed to stand up for himself while I struggled to fight for my independence. 

Through that departure, he still chose to send me that fateful message. I keep wondering if he knew in his heart that i'll run toward him, that i knew better to do and respond the way he imagined. I never wanna find out so i guess i'll never know. 

We left when the tension has waned and some light has been shed. But I don't trust the sinister, she is ruled by fear and the lies your daughter-in-law fed her with. 

This has so far been my recollection sans the comedy of errors that happened in between and during the aftermath that somehow lead me shopping as therapy to keep the events of one gloomy Sunday over my head. 

Praying for your peaceful rest and guiding light. I miss you more than words can say. 

When anxiety attacks...a new pair of sneakers arrives on my shoe rack!

PAK!

so...after the tumultuous day, i got myself a pair of purple sneakers. retail therapy keeps my mind of things. i also got 3 dresses and 3 new tops. 

Yay!

Gloomy Sunday to Rainy Monday...Part 2

At the war front, the soldier haven't got a clue that the war broke out on her phone.

The Clueless

Up to this point, she still does not understand how the hell she, in effect started the fire.
I couldn't be anymore pissed. Out of all the things that annoy me, this takes the cake.

Yes, i'm pinning the blame on her for this particular instance, but as the lack of luck would have it,
he wears the chain he forged in life.

What started out as a text war between small minds exploded into a massive strike that hit unlikely and uncalled for targets.

That's what happens when non-contact cat fights take place and the people behind it have no more to say than bullshit.

What can be worse...she finds it to be her proud moment, like as if she was the hero who saved the day, the army officer who saved Private Ryan.

The Hypocrite


If i may channel The Youth, this character is the model of " banal na aso, santong kabayo". She is the reason why i stand by my theory of righteousness towards harboring sacred hatred. But I know better than to assemble my clone army and attack her, i dont have to. In my heart and mind, she's dead.

In that case, she'd be the most horrifying dead person i have been unfortunate enough to know. This war would not have brewed if not for this terrible person who fed the Sinister with malicious ideas to turn her away from the 'truthful' reality. She desperately needed an ally who'll listen to her rant and the plot to drive us crazy. She incited a war that we are now facing.

But where does she fall into this??? She just wiped her hands clean and asked to be spared and be left out of the mess, because she's too busy praying for peace and goodwill and forgiveness.

The Sinister

If this were a video game, this character would be walking around headless. if i had a genie, i'd wish to be the one to take the life out of her.

She is the most dimwitted person anyone could ever meet. Her dimness covers everyone around her with fatal darkness. I knew i was right the first time i ever saw her, blood rushed to my head and all i ever said was "that person is bad". I didn't want to be right about that, but i was, i am and this sinister figure is just too dark to be faded away.